Thursday, June 16, 2005

June 17, 2005

SPECIAL EDITION: Totally Legitimate Interview




We know that you've come to expect delicious slander on Fridays, but we are making an exception this week. We wanted to catch this guy while his star power was still hot, and his Ebay auction was still running. Besides having a hilarious concept, Dan has inspired a link on
Defamer and even a fansite. We decided that he was interview-worthy. You know the drill:

SM: Do you consider yourself to be a local celebrity?

Dan: Well, I’m not a shitty white rapper and there is nothing ‘ironic’ about me, like I’m not a fat greasy
guy who deliberately sings bad R&B so people will think I’m charming and I can have sex with teenage girls; I don’t play any sort of affected lousy synth pop, I’m not Fancy Ray, I don’t walk around wearing a ridiculous costume calling attention to myself like Scott Seekins and the City Pages wouldn’t even talk to me when we were going through an historic union election...So no, I don’t really fit the bill for ‘local celebrity’ and I wouldn’t really want to be associated with all of the insincere drug abusing shitheads who are bestowed with the title of ‘celebrity’ in the Twin Cities. The only cool celebrities from here are Prince, Sean Sherk, Menard’s guy and Chris Mars...And all the members of Bodies Lay Broken.

SM: If you weren't popular for your mad auction skillz, what would you like to be known for instead?

Dan: Did you just say ‘skillz’?

SM: If Mark Cuban had a gun to your head and demanded that you take him out for dinner, where would you dine with him?

Dan: Inside of your mother’s ass?

SM: What is your favorite memory of your time as a Landmark employee?

Dan: Besides beating the living beejesus out of some lousy rich guy in a sweater vest and tassel shoes? Umm, besides that, watching Dogville over and over and over. Oh yeah and this one time this obnoxious drunken lady puked all over these young kids and left the theater without even apologizing to us or the kids; she left her purse, hilarity ensued. The funniest thing was that her campanion tried to say that her tequila reeking vomit was the result of a “medical emergency”. We flipped through the pictures on her digital camera and they were all of her guzzling booze. Also, Vincent Gallo visited us once and showed “Brown Bunny”. Oh, memory, not plural, sorry dude, I don’t have strong reading skillz.

SM: Do you see your experience turning into an "independent" movie at some point?

Dan: They already turned my experience into a movie, it’s called “Bike Messengers 2: Peddling for Ass”.

SM: If you summed up this interview in five words or less, what would you say?

Dan: You should’ve gotten Uncle Chunk.


And so ends another week here at Slanderous Minneapolis. Please join us on Tuesday for yet another interview.

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

June 16, 2005

My Space Message of the Day

As some of you may or may not know, we have subscribed to the Gen-Y PR technique of creating a My Space profile. Check it out here.

Anyway, we thought that we'd start a new segment, in which we examine messages we've received through this service. This week's message comes from Amber, a 16-year old out of California. Not only does she give us an excellent writing sample, but she gives us an excellent opportunity for a public service announcement. Let's see what she has to say:

Date: Jun 14, 2005 12:40 AM
Subject: No Subject
Body:
DAMMM BOI YOU LOOK GOOD [L.O.L]
BUT 4 REAL U R SEXY AZ HELL BABI BOI !!!!
W/B THOUGH AIIGHT LATA
YOUR GURL

And now our response:

An Open Letter to Amber from My Space:

Dear Amber,

4 REAL. L.O.L. WE ARE NOT A REAL PERSON. THAT PIC THAT YOU THINK IS SO SEXXXY IS FROM A GOOGLE IMAGE SEARCH WE DID FOR "GAY PORN." 4 REAL. WE WISH THAT WE LOOKED THAT GOOD (L.O.L.), BUT ALAS, WE ARE A BLOGGER AND NOT A HOT BOI. BY THE WAY, WHY ARE YOU SENDING SCANDALOUS MESSAGES TO OLDER MEN? WATCH YOURSELF, MISSY, OR WE'LL BE WRITING A LIFETIME NETWORK SCREENPLAY ABOUT YOU DISAPPEARING FROM A TRUCKSTOP. SERIOUSLY, HAVE SOME RESPECT FOR YOURSELF. BUT N-E-WAYZ... L.O.L. LATA!

SLANDEROUS MINNEAPOLIS

Sorry to get all serious on you people for a moment, but it actually concerns us that our logo is so sexy that he is tempting young girls away from their virginal innocence. Lock up your daughters. C U 2-MORROW. :)

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

June 15, 2005

Humpday Hotdish Hoedown





This week, we're attempting to bring you a (gasp!) gourmet hotdish recipe. If you don't approve, don't worry- we'll get back to the dried beef and bacon bits next week.

Celery and Goat Cheese Hotdish

Butter
1 head of celery, thinly sliced
6 oz soft chevre
4 tbsp half and half
Salt and pepper
Walnuts

Melt butter in a saucepan and fry the celery for 2-3 minutes, stirring frequently. Add about 4 tbsp water to the pan, cover and simmer over medium heat for 5-6 minutes, until liquid is pretty much evaporated. Remove pan from heat and stir in chevre and half and half. Add salt and pepper to taste (we like to use kosher salt, despite the fact that we are not Jewish). Pour it all into a dish, throw walnuts on top, and bake at 350 degrees for 10-12 minutes. Serve immediately and feel proud of yourself, for this is the fanciest thing your family will ever see. You might want to lie about the fact that the cheese was made from a goat- this tends to freak Minnesotans out. Say that it is a new type of fancy Velveeta and call it a day.

Monday, June 13, 2005

June 14, 2005

Totally Legitimate Interview





For the next two weeks, the Totally Legitimate Interview will take on a more Midwestern flavor. This means no hipsters: no djs, no rock stars, no bloggers... We've chosen to interview people who can bring insight to our Midwestern landscape.

This week, Slanderous Minneapolis brings you the vice-president of the board of directors for the Sturgis Motorcycle Museum and Hall of Fame, Randee Peterson. The 65th Annual Sturgis Motorcycle Rally will be held in the Black hills of South Dakota from August 8th to the 14th. See ya there!

SM: Why do you think Sturgis is culturally important?

Randee: Because it's the largest gathering of motorcycle riders in the world... Known as "The grandaddy of them all". The motorcycle culture of the USA
is reaching around the world now which makes the USA (once again) the leader.

SM: If Sturgis didn't exist, what do you think most of its attendants would look forward to every summer?

Randee: No idea... Life would suck.

SM: What kind of food is most popular at this event?

Randee: Meat and beer. Really, all kinds of food... We get vendors from around the USA... Weird names of foods that some may consider as bait to catch
real food. Still, the MOST popular are hamburgers, fries and beer. It's not uncommon to see alligator, all sorts of sea food, Oriental, Mexican and even funnel cakes. The overall "menu" is far and wide. The Road Kill Café offers "Poodles an' Noodles" and other similar dishes.

SM: What kind of food and/or entertainment has been requested?

Randee: Food ??? Nothing specific that I know of... Entertainment, you name it... We get big name bands and local bands... With close to 500,000 people, they hang out all over and listen to every style that is around... Probably 65% rock n roll, 30% country and 5% everything else- but that’s a real WAG - nothing more.
(Ed note: we cross-referenced the abbreviation "WAG" and found out that it stands for "wild-assed guess." Let's continue the interview.)

SM: What is the strangest of these requests?

Randee: "Strangest" is in the eyes of the biker... Some bikers are pretty strange... The most common request is "show us your tits" - But don't do that
downtown... Big fines for even the littlest of boobs. The campgrounds are more free and open to adult behavior. Those other strange requests are between the requester and the requestee.

SM: Do you think that somebody on a Vespa would get beaten up and/or
mocked?

Randee: No, the ONLY people that care about what you ride are the people that DON'T ride Harley Davidsons. Hey, we REALLY don't care!!! As long as you're not knocking down our bikes, we won't knock down yours. About 60% of the bikes are HD... That leave 4 out of every 10 bikes that are NOT Harley Davidson.

SM: What if the Vespa was driven The Rock, a bald eagle, or Bob Seger? Do you think they'd get more respect than a normal dipshit on a Vespa?

Randee: Again, who gives a shit? Not us... By the way, I didn't know "The Rock" was casterated... :-) It's not a slam - just a joke... Like leaving rice trails behind Japanese bikes or in their exhaust pipes- get a grip people... Just joking...

SM: If you summed up this interview in five words or less, what would you say?

Randee: "What happened to my beer?"
On another note: So many people are intimidated by bikers... They shouldn't be. The bikers that come to the Black Hills are well known for their generosity, their willingness to help or even just leave alone as the case may be... The restaurant waitresses here in the Black Hills look forward to the bikers... They actually tip! We also have a Corvette rally... Cheap bastards (and sometimes very snobby) compared to the bikers. Now if you see a biker wearing a patch that says "1%" then leave them
alone - it means they don't want to be bothered.



And so ends another Totally Legitimate Interview. This is the closest we've gotten to biker culture since a picture of us topless on Rick Kupchella's bike appeared in the June 2002 issue of Easy Rider. Join us tomorrow for some more hotdishly-love.