June 17, 2005
We know that you've come to expect delicious slander on Fridays, but we are making an exception this week. We wanted to catch this guy while his star power was still hot, and his Ebay auction was still running. Besides having a hilarious concept, Dan has inspired a link on
Defamer and even a fansite. We decided that he was interview-worthy. You know the drill:
SM: Do you consider yourself to be a local celebrity?
Dan: Well, I’m not a shitty white rapper and there is nothing ‘ironic’ about me, like I’m not a fat greasy
guy who deliberately sings bad R&B so people will think I’m charming and I can have sex with teenage girls; I don’t play any sort of affected lousy synth pop, I’m not Fancy Ray, I don’t walk around wearing a ridiculous costume calling attention to myself like Scott Seekins and the City Pages wouldn’t even talk to me when we were going through an historic union election...So no, I don’t really fit the bill for ‘local celebrity’ and I wouldn’t really want to be associated with all of the insincere drug abusing shitheads who are bestowed with the title of ‘celebrity’ in the Twin Cities. The only cool celebrities from here are Prince, Sean Sherk, Menard’s guy and Chris Mars...And all the members of Bodies Lay Broken.
SM: If you weren't popular for your mad auction skillz, what would you like to be known for instead?
Dan: Did you just say ‘skillz’?
SM: If Mark Cuban had a gun to your head and demanded that you take him out for dinner, where would you dine with him?
Dan: Inside of your mother’s ass?
SM: What is your favorite memory of your time as a Landmark employee?
Dan: Besides beating the living beejesus out of some lousy rich guy in a sweater vest and tassel shoes? Umm, besides that, watching Dogville over and over and over. Oh yeah and this one time this obnoxious drunken lady puked all over these young kids and left the theater without even apologizing to us or the kids; she left her purse, hilarity ensued. The funniest thing was that her campanion tried to say that her tequila reeking vomit was the result of a “medical emergency”. We flipped through the pictures on her digital camera and they were all of her guzzling booze. Also, Vincent Gallo visited us once and showed “Brown Bunny”. Oh, memory, not plural, sorry dude, I don’t have strong reading skillz.
SM: Do you see your experience turning into an "independent" movie at some point?
Dan: They already turned my experience into a movie, it’s called “Bike Messengers 2: Peddling for Ass”.
SM: If you summed up this interview in five words or less, what would you say?
Dan: You should’ve gotten Uncle Chunk.
And so ends another week here at Slanderous Minneapolis. Please join us on Tuesday for yet another interview.