Thursday, June 02, 2005

June 3, 2005

Slander Edition Friday




After that juicy real gossip yesterday, we'll get back to our slanderous roots. Check out all the news we've collected. You can't make this shit up! Or, can you...?

* The Star Tribune's own Jon Bream was recently spotted wandering around the St Paul Wal Mart in a disorientated fashion. When an employee asked him if he needed help, Bream replied: "I was just looking for some pot, man." He was escorted out of the store soon after.

* Retired State Representative Arlon Linder is so staunchly religious that he actually believes himself to be the brother of Jesus Christ. He has drafted his own version of the Bible in which he appears several times and has even written psalms about himself. If you wish to receive further information, Linder conducts weekly services in the smoking section of Perkins off I-94.

* Cyndy Brucato is your real mother.

* It gets better... Almanac's Eric Eskola is your real father. Your parents withheld this information from you because they didn't want you to become corrupted by the fast-paced lifestyle of MN celebritydom.

* Sometimes, just as we're falling asleep at night, Belinda Jensen sneaks into our bedroom and kisses us lightly on the head.


Yawn... We are getting sleepy! Kupchella is about to tuck us in for the night, so we will bid you a happy weekend.

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

June 2, 2005

Celebrity Gossip







This week, we are taking a break from our usual guest-blogging feature to bring you some actual celebrity gossip. We received a tip about a certain meterologist. In the interest of libel, we are doing this as sort of a blind-item. The tip may be about somebody pictured above, but we're keeping our mouths shut...

Not that there isn't a lot of witty charm in the content of your blog already. However, this info is just far too good to pass up:

One of my very good friends owns an Aveda Concept salon in the Cities and works with a foxy male Aveda rep whom we shall call "Every Closeted Gay Man's Wetdream". ECGMW is currently dating a bland, white, married-father-of-two businessman, but he's getting propositioned by a bland, white, married-father-of-three news anchor...

None other than [redacted]!!!!

[Redacted] has been sending ECGMW sexy e-mails.

The best part? [Redacted] first approached him at the fucking CHER concert!

Should anything come of this, I promise updates.

P.S. Local news is so creepy.




P.S. From Slanderous Minneapolis:
It has been awhile since we posted some celeb gossip, so we'd just like to remind you that we don't check our sources, since that would make us a legitimate news source, which we absolutely do not strive to be. We posted this as a blind-item, leaving the speculation up to you. We are making no claim to the above statement, except the claim that it is entertaining and brought us a hell of a lot of traffic today. Amen.

Tuesday, May 31, 2005

June 1, 2005

Celebrity Sighting



Some Wednesdays we publish hotdish recipes that we have made or that we think look appetizing enough to make. This week is an exception, in which we are posting a recipe that adheres more to an overall spirit of hotdish rather than a spirit of edible-ness. In truth, this hotdish looks like the sort of thing you'd find in a buffet line at a funeral potluck. If you were smart, you'd avoid this mess and head straight to the boxed wine and meat & cheese tray.

SAUERKRAUT HOTDISH


1 lb. ground beef
1 (2 1/2 lb.) can sauerkraut, drained
1/4 lb. onion
1 can mushroom soup
1 can water
1 1/2 c. chow mein noodles

Mix ingredients and bake at 375 degrees for 45 minutes. Take a look at the fucking disgusting meal you have just prepared and opt instead to use the oven for sticking your head into. Throw the goddamn chow mein noodles on top, since they are an obvious gourmet pairing to saurkraut.


Join us tomorrow for some actual celebrity gossip. We really mean it!

Monday, May 30, 2005

May 31, 2005

Totally Legitimate Interview



Hello, and welcome to another non-libelous edition of Slanderous Minneapolis in which we interview somebody in Minneapolis who may or may not be of importance. This week, we sat down with fellow blogger Rex Sorgatz, the writer behind
Fimoculous.com and a contributor to the new MNSpeak.com.

SM: Do you consider yourself to be a local celebrity?

RS: If by "local celebrity" you mean unrecognizable in a crowd of three, then yes. Being told "you should be a blogger" is this decade's version of "you
should be on the Real World" -- and for some mysterious reason, people think both are compliments.

SM: If you weren't popular for being a blogger and writer, what would you like to be known for instead?

RS: I'd like to be known as that guy who thought he had enough money to buy the Vikes, but didn't. Or I'd like to be known as the guy who invented the
"odd/even streets" snow emergency concept. Or I'd like to be known as a guy who tags all of Uptown with "Rx." Or I'd like to be known as a guy who wants to start a reality tv show in which he lives in the Mall of America, but the show only gets picked up by cable access. In other words, I'd like to be known as yet another person who desperately wants to be famous, but chooses immensely dumb ways to do so.

SM: If Geoff Cannon had a gun to your head and demanded that you take him out for dinner, where would you dine with him?

RS: Bangkok. In fact, all of the MNspeak contributors are vacationing there this Fall. Chino Latino teases you with a suburbanite's notion of danger, but the odds of contracting an STD are greatly exaggerated.

SM: Is there a subject matter that you'd like to write about on MNspeak, but are too embarrassed?

RS: Yes, but ex-girlfriends seem to jump into the comments and provide any missing info. That Bukkake thread was completely libelous, but I can't sue my own site.

SM: Who would you like to ghost-write a blog for?

RS: Prince. But that's because I would like to get my keyboard altered to write sentences like "Eye need U 2 4ward those pics 2 me."

SM: What is your favorite blogging snack?

RS: Lileks Cheesy Balls, CJ Corny Puffs, and Coleman Cool Ranch Chips.

SM: If you summed up this interview in five words or less, what would you say?

RS: Five is too many.



Please join us tomorrow for another kick-ass hotdish recipe.

Sunday, May 29, 2005

Memorial Day Memo

We are now on Friendster. Check out Slanderous Minneapolis and add us as a friend.

UPDATE
Fine, we added ourselves to
My Space
as well. Happy?