Thursday, May 26, 2005

May 27, 2005

Slander Edition Friday

This week, we had a religious experience. Sometimes, we are very mean to people in our Slander Editions. We figure if we can (hot)dish it, we can take it. Today, we turn the focus to ourselves:

* Did you know that the Slanderizer is really a 300 lb., 45-yr-old woman who sits in her room all day watching court shows and surfing the web?

* The weekly hotdish recipes featured on Slanderous Minneapolis all contain subliminal instructions to add poison. Unless you hate the people you're serving, it is strongly advised that you do not make any of the hotdishes that they post.

* The Slanderizer drinks milk straight from the carton, doesn't clean up after his/herself when they poop on the sidewalk, doesn't help old ladies cross the street, and once spit on a nun.

Okay, we're getting lazy. A holiday weekend is upon us, so we really should be thinking about how great this country is instead of publishing this mindless dribble. Please enjoy your holiday and join us on Tuesday for another TOTALLY LEGITIMATE INTERVIEW.

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

May 26, 2005

Guest Blogger

Welcome to another day of guest-blogging. It's been awhile since we've dipped into our sweet, sweet intern labor, so we thought we'd give him an assignment. He succeeded quite nicely, as you'll see in this Tony-nominated play:

A short play about blogging at Slanderous Minneapolis
By the Intern

Setting: Slanderous Minneapolis offices, early on a weekday morn. The intern sits in his cage in an unlit corner awaiting the daily delivery of pancakes, water, and Wheatables, while the Slanderizer makes coffee and vomits, trying to remember the name of the Korean businessman he met at Chili’s the night before. All he can remember though is the shared babyback ribs appetizer, the three Zimas, and the businessman’s bolo tie and cowboy boots, now lying on his bed, a real American gift from his Korean friend. The coffee made, the Slanderizer slowly struts over to the intern and turns on the light. He splashes a cold bucket of water on the intern’s face and starts laughing uproariously.

Intern: I’m hungy. Where be my pancakes?

Slanderizer: You ain’t hungy. You hungry, and I’m hungover. You don’t get pancakes today, and you need to write for us. If you do a good job, you can have fourteen Wheatables, and a new pair of boots.

Intern: Water first?

Slanderizer: What do you think I just showered you with? Drink that slop up you little shit.

Intern: Keyboard to type?

Slanderizer: I’m gonna let you out of the cage and rope you up by the computer. Don’t make noise.

Intern: Okay.

(Slanderizer opens cage and leads intern to lit table on the other side of the room where he straps the intern’s ankle to a three foot long chain attached to the wall)

Slanderizer: Stay here. I’ll be back in a half hour and you better have good shit for the blog or else it’s bad-news-bears for you.

Intern: Yes sir…

(Slanderizer leaves. The Intern looks around the room.)

Intern: What the fuck am I gonna write about? Oh, here’s a good story about how Paris Hilton’s television ad for Carl’s Jr. has been deemed too sexy and labeled as “basically softcore porn.” That could be something good to write about. Oh! Michael Jackson’s on trial for something. That’s weird. I should write about that. Or there’s this story about Lindsay Lohan and Nicole Richie losing weight. They look sickly. I wonder how Paris feels about that, since her falling out with Nicole? Wow, lots of good stuff today. Master is gonna be so pleased! Mark McGrath will probably be happy about this too on Access Hollywood. I’m gonna be famous and stuff, then I can make my own pancakes.

(Intern frantically types for next twenty minutes. Then Slanderizer returns with a bull whip in one hand, a mint julep in the other.)

Slanderizer: Well, it’s time to see what you came up with today.

(Slanderizer pushes Intern aside and reads over what’s on the computer screen.)

Slanderizer: You stupid fuckhat! Paris Hilton, Michael Jackson, a picture of Mark McGrath! We can’t write about this shit. We only care about the Shelb and the Kupchellameister, not real things that a real blog would cover. God damn it. Up against the wall. It’s time for your forty lashes. I don’t know why I barely keep you alive at all. I’m glad your skin has turned to jaundice. You’ll be dead soon enough.

Slanderizer begins to whip the intern.)

End scene.

That seems fairly accurate, actually. But seriously, we don't start drinking mint juleps until at least 9:30. Join us tomorrow for SLANDER EDITION FRIDAY. Send goodies here:

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

May 25, 2005

Humpday Hotdish Hoedown

You asked and we delivered. Behold, our first vegan hotdish recipe:

Speedy Bean Hotdish

1/2 cup unsulphured molasses
3 tablespoons white vinegar
3 tablespoons mustard
1/2 teaspoon liquid pepper sauce
3 16-oz cans baked beans in tomato sauce
1 16-ov can kidney beans, drained
3/4 cup chopped onions, divided

Preheat oven to 375 degrees.

Mix together molasses, vinegar mustard, and pepper sauce in a bowl; spoon into 3-quart baking dish. Add beans and half the onions; mix well. Bake 1 hour. Just before serving, sprinkle rest of onions on top. Hell, throw some fucking potato chips on there as well. Invite your patchouli buddies over for an old-fashioned hippie potluck (eg. weed-smoking) and enjoy.

Tomorrow, our intern will be our guest blogger.

Monday, May 23, 2005

May 24, 2005

Totally Legitimate Interview

Today, Slanderous Minneapolis interviews Arzu Gocken (pictured left), who has been a member of local rock bands Selby Tigers and So Fox and currently runs Staraoke Karaoke, at downtown Grumpy's on Tuesday, Thursday, and Sunday nights. We harassed her via e-mail, and here is what she had to say:

SM: If you weren't popular for making music and making sweet, sweet karaoke, what would you like to be known for instead?

AG: I went to film school, so I guess as a film maker. I love doing music videos for my friends' bands.

SM: If Sean Tillman had a gun to your head and demanded that you take him out for dinner, where would you dine with him?

AG: Well we always go to Taste Of Thailand when he is here, but maybe I would take him to the one in Fridley, because no one is usually there and it would be more secretive and slightly exotic. Not erotic though. But with Sean you just never know.

SM: Which local celebrity (who is not currently in music) do you wish would come do karaoke?

AG: Hmmm...not currently in music? Maybe a Rick Kupchella. But I bet he would sing Jimmy Buffett. I just have a feeling.

SM: Would you help them out by altering the lighting so that it is sexier?

AG: Kupchella would be on his own. He would probably still have his makeup on, so he would be fine.

SM: If you didn't do karaoke three nights a week, what would you spend most of your evenings doing?

AG: Going to shows and movies. And watching horrible reality shows with my friends while eating Rip L chips and drinking wine. Amazing combo.

SM: If you summed up this interview in five words or less, what would you say?

AG: Fun, saucy, sexy, engaging, done.

Think you have what it takes to be interviewed by us? Let us know!

We have had a request for vegan hotdish. Tomorrow, we will try to deliver. Peace out.