May 20, 2005
Today we got some help for our libel-fest from a local "celebrity:"
Dear Slanderous Minneapolis:
My name is Dave Dahl* and I do the weather at KSTP Channel 5 News. I thought you might appreciate some gossip about some of my coworkers:
* Did you know that Angela Davis never actually sleeps? She stays awake through a unique combination of diet pills from Super America, Splenda, and ginseng. In place of traditional rest, she spends up to four hours a day watching Tivo-ed episodes of The View and grinding her teeth. For real!
* Little known fact; I fucking hate the morning weather guy, Jim Guy. Don't listen to a word he says about the forecast; instead of using the sciency equipment that I use, he relies solely on a 1876 edition of The Farmer's Almanac.
* I know that you want some hot tips about Cyndy Brucato, but you know what? I'm not gonna say anything.
* Since sports reporter Rod Simons stole my donut earlier this week, I'll let you in on something: he wears Zubaz underneath the news desk. As if that wasn't bad enough, they are Packers Zubaz.
* Reporter Ross Kirgiss uses his Emmy award to pick up women. Seriously, we went to Champp's last week, and he put it on the bar next to his Bud. I spilled sour cream on it when he was in the bathroom, but don't tell him it was me.
* Oh, and want some gossip about me? I'm one sexy dude.
Hope that this gossip has been of service. If you do print this, please protect my identity (say it was from Dan Rather or something).
We love posts where somebody else does our writing for us. Who knew that KSTP was such a scandalous place?
Tune in on Tuesday for another TOTALLY LEGITIMATE INTERVIEW.
* Okay, so we may have made this letter up. Just some more libel for all of you to gnaw on.