Thursday, May 19, 2005

May 20, 2005

Slander Edition Friday

Today we got some help for our libel-fest from a local "celebrity:"

Dear Slanderous Minneapolis:
My name is Dave Dahl* and I do the weather at KSTP Channel 5 News. I thought you might appreciate some gossip about some of my coworkers:

* Did you know that Angela Davis never actually sleeps? She stays awake through a unique combination of diet pills from Super America, Splenda, and ginseng. In place of traditional rest, she spends up to four hours a day watching Tivo-ed episodes of The View and grinding her teeth. For real!

* Little known fact; I fucking hate the morning weather guy, Jim Guy. Don't listen to a word he says about the forecast; instead of using the sciency equipment that I use, he relies solely on a 1876 edition of The Farmer's Almanac.

* I know that you want some hot tips about Cyndy Brucato, but you know what? I'm not gonna say anything.

* Since sports reporter Rod Simons stole my donut earlier this week, I'll let you in on something: he wears Zubaz underneath the news desk. As if that wasn't bad enough, they are Packers Zubaz.

* Reporter Ross Kirgiss uses his Emmy award to pick up women. Seriously, we went to Champp's last week, and he put it on the bar next to his Bud. I spilled sour cream on it when he was in the bathroom, but don't tell him it was me.

* Oh, and want some gossip about me? I'm one sexy dude.

Hope that this gossip has been of service. If you do print this, please protect my identity (say it was from Dan Rather or something).

Peace out,

Dave Dahl

We love posts where somebody else does our writing for us. Who knew that KSTP was such a scandalous place?

Tune in on Tuesday for another TOTALLY LEGITIMATE INTERVIEW.

* Okay, so we may have made this letter up. Just some more libel for all of you to gnaw on.

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

May 19, 2005

Guest Blogger

If you recall, last week we invited all you haters out there to come be our guest blogger, just to prove that you can do it better yourself. We received a submission from this blogger at
Ironic Teachings, but he wrote it with the following disclaimer:

"I just hope you realize that I don't think I could do a better job (I read the blog). Very funny and quite original."

Awww... We love you to. Let's get on with it. Here is some slander from our guest blogger:

Whizzinator Bust Leads to Surprise Problems Around Twin Cities

Minneapolis, MN

With Vikings running back Onterrio Smith in trouble after being caught with "The Original Whizzinator", other Twin Cities celebrities are coming forward with rather troubling news. Smith, a fourth round pick, was held up at the airport when TSA members searched his bag and found the device which helps players get by drug tests. Invetigators worked on Smith for several hours and, after a threat by Mike Tice to get him traded to the San Francisco 49ers, he cracked and named names. Thus, we present the list of charges stemming from Smith's confession:

* Dennis Douda: Smith claims that the Whizzinator was Douda's, and he was "just holding it for the man." We had no idea that WCCO had instituted such a harsh drug policy. When we asked for comments, WCCO transferred us to a janitor's closet where "Jose" said he had, "no comment."

* Wally Szczerbiak: Apparently he and star Kevin Garnett have been using Smith to smuggle large quantities of Botox from Canada. They inject themselves in order to stem the anger lines they get when they look at (Latrell) Sprewell and (Sam) Cassell. "They really pissed us off this year," the shooting guard said.

* Bob Dylan: Smith confessed that he wrote all of Dylan's songs. When the police asked how this could be especially with Dylan performing before Smith was even born, Smith replied "Time Travel." Randy (Moss) taught me how to
build a time machine. I swear. (This could not be confirmed).

* Winona Ryder: In a shocking turn of events, Smith confessed that he taught Ryder how to shoplift. "I was shocked when she got caught. She was so good at lifting wallets at the Metrodome."

And finally, the most shocking of all:

* Jesse "The Body (or Mind)" Ventura: Smith laid out detailed plans about how he helped steal the election for Ventura using college students, free food, and psychedelic drugs. A officer who wished to remain nameless told us, "this is SO much worse than the Kennedy's ballot stuffing. This man may have been the very reason why our fragile Minnesota economy is crumbling, dontcha know?"

Smith is being held in a secret location (we hear he's hiding out in Sarah Jane Olson's old house) for his own protection. His confessions are being investigated, but the NFL is unsure, as of right now, if he will be in trouble for his "illegal device."

WOW! Thank you for such a libelous post! We love the support.

Are you a fan? Are you a player-hater? Do you think our blog sucks? Here's your chance to stick it to us (or love on us). Become a guest blogger today!

May 18, 2005

Humpday Hotdish Hoedown

This week's recipe comes from the following source (in MLA format, for all you academics):

Millang, Theresa. The Great Minnesota Hotdish. Cambridge, MN: Adventure Publications, 1999.

Corn Hotdish

6 tablespoons butter
1/2 cup finely chopped onions
1/2 cup chopped green pepper
1 16 oz can whole kernel corn, drained
1 16 oz can cream corn
1 8 oz package corn muffin mix
3 eggs, lightly beaten
1 cup sour cream
1 cup shredded cheddar cheese
2 slices bacon, crumbled (for all you carnivores...)

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

In saucepan, melt butter over medium heat. Add onions and peppers; stir and cook until tender, but not brown. Place into lage bowl along with remaining ingrediants. Mix well. Pour mixture into a 3-quart baking dish and bake for 50 minutes. Invite your pastor, his wife, and at least 5 other friends from your church over for dinner, because this dish serves 8, yo.

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

May 17, 2005

Dear Readers,

We realize that we missed posting yesterday. We apologize. To help accommodate our schedule a little bit better, we will now be closed on Mondays (like most great institutions). Our weekly schedule will be as follows:

Monday: closed
Tuesday: Totally Legitimate Interview
Wednesday: Humpday Hotdish Hoedown
Thursday: Guest Blogger Who May or May Not Think that He/She is Better than Us
Friday: Slander Edition Friday

We hope that you find this helpful. God bless.

And now on to our regularly scheduled Tuesday!

Totally Legitimate Interview

This week we are featuring Esther Park, a fellow City Pages winner and owner of Store Nico, located at 2431 Lyndale Ave. South in Uptown Minneapolis.

SM: Since you are a fellow City Pages award winner, we feel the need to ask: do you consider yourself to be a local celebrity?

EP: No, but if I win 5 more times...maybe.

SM: If you didn't get the award for "best boutique," what would you have liked to win for?

EP: "Best Place To Bring Your Barely Eight Week Old Puppy" or "Best Place To Meet Hot Single Men and Women."

SM: Who's the most famous person who has come into your store?

EP: This guy came in and looked just like Patrick Swayze, he bought some wrapping paper and asked where the nearest co-op was.

SM: If Robyn Robinson had a gun to your head and demanded that you take her out for a nice dinner, where would you take her?

EP: Dong Yang grocery/restaurant. It'd be like taking her to a Korean mom's kitchen.

SM: Who would be famous enough that you would shut down your store so they could shop in privacy?

EP: Anyone that's worthy of an InTouch cover.

SM: If you had to sum up this interview in 5 words or less, what would you say?

EP: Naima for Top Model!

SM: Agreed. Keenyah’s gotten way too fat.

If you fancy yourself a local “celebrity” and wish to be featured, drop us a line. Don’t make us stalk you: