MAy 6, 2005
Unlike most local blogs, Slanderous Minneapolis attracts a wide audience (not just middle-aged men with ponytails, angst against Fox News, and an interest in mail-order brides). Yes, we attract our fair share of 20-somethings avoiding office work, but we also have librarians, students, mattress store employees, and even teachers as fans. This morning, we were all set to go about our usual routine of making up tidbits about “celebs,” but our inbox supplied all that we needed. An English teacher and loyal reader submitted this “report” from the frontlines. Please note the excellent use of grammar and sentence structure:
Local News Anchor Loses Control at Gala
UPN 29 Co-anchor Chris Conangla lost control at a gala for the opening of Wolfgang Puck's 20.21 at the Walker Arts Center. Conangla, who witnesses said had at least six Whiskey Sours, a bottle of wine, and left the men'sbathroom wiping his nose four times, stood up after Puck's speech to give aspeech of his own. Swaying back and forth, Conangla launched into a profanity- laced tirade about how much he really hates the Twin Cities. "I know I've said I love it here, but all you can fucking suck! I can't tell you how hard I have to chew back the vomit when I say, 'TGIF my friends.' You want more? I hate working with those fucking charities! I just do it because I keep losing money on those damn Twins and have to pay John(Henk) back."
Though several people tried to stop Conangla, he punched out his wife, two security guards, and Jordana Green's Husband. As he was dragged away, Conanagla was heard yelling, "Try telling me what to do now, Jordana. Try telling me WHAT TO DO NOW!!!!"
When asked to comment, all Wolfgang Puck would say is, "Julia Child would
have cut him. I plan on finding him after the party and introducing him to (Bobby) Flay. That little Jersey boy will shut him up."
UPN 29 offices could not be reached for comment.
Well played! We couldn’t have written it better ourselves, considering that the portion of our brain devoted to mastery of the English language has been taken over by information about how much money celebrities spend on clothes, houses, vacations, etc. (damn you, VH1!).
Next week, we will be featuring another TOTALLY LEGITIMATE INTERVIEW, another hotdish recipe, and more of that healthy slander that you are more addicted to than that sweet, sweet meth you’ve also come to love.
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