Friday, May 06, 2005

MAy 6, 2005

SLANDER EDITION FRIDAY



Unlike most local blogs, Slanderous Minneapolis attracts a wide audience (not just middle-aged men with ponytails, angst against Fox News, and an interest in mail-order brides). Yes, we attract our fair share of 20-somethings avoiding office work, but we also have librarians, students, mattress store employees, and even teachers as fans. This morning, we were all set to go about our usual routine of making up tidbits about “celebs,” but our inbox supplied all that we needed. An English teacher and loyal reader submitted this “report” from the frontlines. Please note the excellent use of grammar and sentence structure:

Local News Anchor Loses Control at Gala
Minneapolis, MN


UPN 29 Co-anchor Chris Conangla lost control at a gala for the opening of Wolfgang Puck's 20.21 at the Walker Arts Center. Conangla, who witnesses said had at least six Whiskey Sours, a bottle of wine, and left the men'sbathroom wiping his nose four times, stood up after Puck's speech to give aspeech of his own. Swaying back and forth, Conangla launched into a profanity- laced tirade about how much he really hates the Twin Cities. "I know I've said I love it here, but all you can fucking suck! I can't tell you how hard I have to chew back the vomit when I say, 'TGIF my friends.' You want more? I hate working with those fucking charities! I just do it because I keep losing money on those damn Twins and have to pay John(Henk) back."

Though several people tried to stop Conangla, he punched out his wife, two security guards, and Jordana Green's Husband. As he was dragged away, Conanagla was heard yelling, "Try telling me what to do now, Jordana. Try telling me WHAT TO DO NOW!!!!"

When asked to comment, all Wolfgang Puck would say is, "Julia Child would
have cut him. I plan on finding him after the party and introducing him to (Bobby) Flay. That little Jersey boy will shut him up."

UPN 29 offices could not be reached for comment.



Well played! We couldn’t have written it better ourselves, considering that the portion of our brain devoted to mastery of the English language has been taken over by information about how much money celebrities spend on clothes, houses, vacations, etc. (damn you, VH1!).

Next week, we will be featuring another TOTALLY LEGITIMATE INTERVIEW, another hotdish recipe, and more of that healthy slander that you are more addicted to than that sweet, sweet meth you’ve also come to love.

Holla here: slanderousminneapolis@gmail.com

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

May 5, 2005

Totally Legitimate Interview

For the premier of our new segment, The Totally Legitimate Interview, we are interviewing... ourselves! Seriously, people: you didn't honestly believe that we were cool enough to get an actual celebrity for this first one, did you?

SM: So, how does it feel to be participating in the premier of this rad new segment?

Slanderizer: Why don't you guys have a real "celebrity?" It seems like you would have at least been able to get the Matress Giant.

SM: We came up with the idea for this segment less than 24 hours ago, so we couldn't really get somebody else on such short notice. Plus, the Mattress Giant is on probation for selling a mattress full of hash. First question: how do you feel about your recent award?

Slanderizer: I'm having mixed reactions... At first I was very excited, but now there's so much backlash from all those other local bloggers. I'm sick of reading attacks all over the web. I mean, Slanderous Minneapolis is kind of a joke. Plus, we're attacking celebrities, not bloggers. It's hard not to take it personally.

SM: Yeah, we've noticed that you've been a little down lately. It's too bad that you can't rip up your City Pages award and give a little piece to everybody, like what Lindsay Lohan does with her prom crown at the end of Mean Girls.

Slanderizer: I don't think that we'd do that. Unless of course you're interested in writing a script about this whole thing, because an ending like that would make us look really good.

SM: Sorry, we're already working on a script for Cyndy Brucato. We can't give out too many details, but we'll tell you this: it involves dolphins and a lot of wet tee-shirt shots.

Slanderizer: Sounds classy. Are we just about done here?

SM: Thanks for your participation and dedication to reporting only the finest, most authentic news.

Slanderizer: I wish you could have said that without cracking a smile.

Do you fancy yourself a local celebrity? E-mail us here: slanderousminneapolis@gmail.com

May 4, 2005

HUMPDAY HOTDISH HOEDOWN



Welcome to our weekly hotdish recipe. Since our 15 minutes appear to be up and our site visits down, we feel like simply linking to a recipe today instead of posting one. Here you go.

Also, we're trying to develop a new segment, called TOTALLY LEGITIMATE INTERVIEW THURSDAY, in which we actually interview a local "celebrity." No libel. No slander. Just legimate reporting. It won't be as boring as it sounds... So, if you consider yourself to be a local "celebrity" and would like us to interview you, please contact us here: slanderousminneapolis@gmail.com

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

May 3, 2005



It's a slow day 'round these parts. We have made a new-month resolution: we'd rather print nothing than something shitty. For reals!

Tomorrow is HUMPDAY HOTDISH HOEDOWN. Send us your recipes: slanderousminneapolis@gmail.com

Monday, May 02, 2005

May 2, 2005

Monday Ramblings

We have a busy day filled with “celebrity” gossip of all sorts. Let’s get to it!





Dear Slanderous,

This Saturday, my wife and I were shopping at Mall of America and saw Rusty Gatenby with Dora the Explorer (not the cartoon, but the woman who is playing Dora in some live Dora play).

Rumor amongst the Maple Grove moms was that Rusty was seen slapping Dora's ass in the green room and asking, "Can you find my pants?"


We’re not too familiar with Dora the Explorer, since our own tumultuous childhood has caused us to avoid anything aimed at children, but that is good gossip nonetheless.

A male friend also gave us this to nosh on:

Reading Slanderous Mpls made me think of the time that Rick Kupchella was driving behind me in his Range Rover and was totally making eyes with me when I would look back in the rearview mirror at a long stoplight! For real!

Rick, you dog! We are loving how are newfound fame is actually bringing in real tips! It keeps us from regurgitating the news too much and from having to think and/or plan.