April 8, 2005
Welcome to a special all CJ edition of SLANDER EDITION FRIDAY. Disclaimer: this is pure libel, although some of it may accidentally be true. We won’t be able to confirm those suspicions until we hire someone to follow CJ for us. We’re always accepting applications, people. Now, let’s get to it:
* CJ was recently seen exiting Dream Girls nightclub in downtown Minneapolis. We’re not saying she’s a lesbian, but then again, it’s hard to talk right now because we’re chewing a large wad of grape bubblegum.
* Guess who’s coming to dinner? It just might be CJ! Last week, she broke into the home of Mr. and Mrs. Thomas Anderson of Wayzata, MN and when she was caught in their living room with her arms full of throw pillows from Pier One, she invited herself to dinner. Mrs. Anderson comments: “This cunt broke into our house and then expected me to serve her dinner. We threatened to call the police, but CJ got all up in our bizness [sic] with this ‘Don’t you know who I am??’ bullshit. I was too tired to argue so I made some Tuna Helper and then shoved her fat ass out our door. What a bitch!” And then a giant robot showed up. We may have dreamt this one, actually…
* CJ recently punched out a woman at Knollwood Mall’s TJ Maxx & More over an Oriental-inspired throw rug. For shame.
* Unbeknownst to the Star Tribune, CJ writes a sex column for the magazine Hot Tawdy, a pornographic publication based in Baton Rouge, LA.
And so ends another slandericious Friday… Please send tips for next week: email@example.com