Thursday, March 24, 2005

Friday, March 25, 2005

Ok, so it's Good Friday today. According to Christian theory, this was the day that Jesus Christ did some shit and became the Late Great JC portrayed in Mel Gibson's movie of the same name. It's extra gooder today cuz it's also Slander Edition Friday.

But first.... a real report from a reader.

Was I the only one in the world who saw Bridgette Bornstein captioned Bridgette Jones during Tuesday’s 10 PM broadcast? While reporting on the Red Lake shootings? Classy.

Thanks, we didn't see that, since the queer didn't pay his cable bills, so now I (the intern, that is) have no television to watch.

Anyway, though....


Remember, it's all only partially true, meaning mostly not true at all, since it's slander...get it?

That buttmunch Mark Mallman apparently has a passion for just that: eating assholes, particularly those of small puppies. He also sucks dick (proverbally speaking, since his music blows).

"Minnesota Bound" host Ron Schara has got the fever for the flava -- of transexual Puerto Rican prostitutes!

KARE-11 weekend anchorette Amy Hockert saves her used tampons. I don't know why.

Local big fish in a small pond Josh "J-Hart" Hartnett was seen being thrown out of the T.G.I. Friday's in Plymouth for exposing himself to an eight year old girl, his half-drunk Mudslide, and his waiter.

Thursday, March 24, 2005 I apologize about that link that didn't work yesterday. The Strib just wouldn't let me show you that hard article about the dude printing t-shirts that say "Murderapolis." I guess it's just too clever for mass consumption.

Also, why didn't anyone send me anything? I've got nothing to write about, and so I've decided to tell you something about myself. Actually, this will kill two birds with one stone, describing me and who I want to meet. I would like to have some fun while that queer is teabagging half the Vegas Strip, and I'd also like to be able to stay here for the long term too, so that'd be good. See, my English is good enough to keep me here, right?

Items of Import

Who wants to see U2 with me?

Also, tomorrow is Slander Friday, so make up shit since no one can seem to see real shit anyway. I want good stuff on that dickweed Mark Mallman.

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

Wear Your Love Like Wednesday

This is the intern. That queer left for Vegas and left me nothing to eat. I'm living off a diet of stale toast, cottage cheese, and pickles, and I'm pretty pissed off about that. And to make matters worse, no one sent any hot sightings to report on. Doesn't anyone see local celebrities in this fucking city?

At least there is one man in this city who cares enough about it to try to make a difference. Not CJ And he cares enough to do it in a white trash manner. Can I get that motto on the decal for my Grand Am?

Thank Mayor R. T. "Short Shorts" Rybak for fighting this one, I guess. Nothing else happens in this city, so you may as well fight white trash, right?

Contest for tomorrow: tell me the way you fight white trash, and I'll print it, choose a winner, and give that winner a prize.

Monday, March 21, 2005

March 22, 2005

Spring Break

Dear Readers,

As of tomorrow morning, we will be on spring break in Las Vegas. We’re sure that we could haul our laptop on the plane, but we’ll most likely be too busy betting on the North Stars to win the Superbowl and/or pushing Gina Gershon down the stairs in order to achieve our dreams of stardom. We’re too kind to leave you Slanderless, so we have once again commissioned our intern to entertain you guys while we’re gone. Please be kind to him; he’s very deprived of Vitamin E.


Slanderous Minneapolis

Sunday, March 20, 2005

March 21, 2005

Around Town

* Is it just us, or is this the lamest trade in the whole world? [Craigslist]

* Oh wait! We spoke too soon: [Craigslist]

* No, wait... We think we have it this time. That bath salt trade isn't looking so bad now: [Craigslist]

Enough fun with Craigslist...

* CJ claims that Amelia Santaniello is going to get surgery for her diverticulitis, which we're sure is just latin for "cheap plastic surgery in the Dominican Republic. We're not stupid: [Star Tribune]

Please send weekend celebrity sightings here: