March 11, 2005
This is the intern. They've let me run the site like when Billy fills in for Bil (why no second 'L' you pompous prick?) Keane in The Family Circus . I'm not tech savvy enough to draw a little map of how I got out of the cage (a Rube Goldberg machine let me out, then I ate some Wheatables, pet the dog, slid down the slide, landed in mud, hit a homerun, grabbed an ice cream cone, pissed on a fire hydrant, and got to the computer too tuckered out to write good), but you get the idea. The usual host is in Mazatlan having their way with spring breakers and vodka.
Umm, oh, this shit is all slanderous and what have you, which means it's not technically "real" per se, or real at all.
* Local celebrity extraordinaire and television "star" Jeff Passolt seen at the Love Doctor in St. Paul buying several strands of anal beads. Looks like someone is having his own Mardi Gras celebration.
* Dave Ryan seen at the Applebee's in Woodbury drunk on riblets, Pink Squirrels, and his own "sex appeal" (his own words). trying to pick up the Woodbury High wrestling team. Ryan was heard to tell the boys, "You guys like Ja Rule? Yeah, he stole his name from me, cuz I rule. Get it, ja rule, you rule, I rule. Fuck yeah." Ryan stumbled out of Applebee's shortly after the team left to carb load and "totallly watch porn" (Ryan's words, again).
* Mike Binkley of KSTP Morning Show "fame" seen vomiting in the Franklin Avenue Taco Bell's parking lot for upwards of ten minutes before barreling back inside for another chalupa.
* Our favorite "gossip "columnist" [sic]" CJ has an unusual favorite cuisine: Christian newborns she cooks up once a month to line up with her feminine (?) cycle and the new moon. After draining the child of his blood, CJ seasons it with the Creole "Essence of Emeril" seasoning, then slowly roasts it over an open oil barrel fire with a motley crew of local hobos Sidecar Jimmy and Boxcar Jimmy, as well as fellow Strib columnist Nick Coleman, who puts off his human interest column for the sacrifice that leads to CJ's ritualistic rebirth, allowing her to keep that gossip coming.
* Norm Coleman seen at Mall of America Glamour Shots showing off his new oral surgery, spray-on tan, and botox injection. He was overheard yelling at the photographer "God damn it! Make me look young and get me that fucking Cinnabon right now. I've got a speech to make in two hours by the big dog bowl."