Thursday, March 10, 2005

March 11, 2005

SLANDER EDITION FRIDAY, aka Anal Parade



This is the intern. They've let me run the site like when Billy fills in for Bil (why no second 'L' you pompous prick?) Keane in The Family Circus . I'm not tech savvy enough to draw a little map of how I got out of the cage (a Rube Goldberg machine let me out, then I ate some Wheatables, pet the dog, slid down the slide, landed in mud, hit a homerun, grabbed an ice cream cone, pissed on a fire hydrant, and got to the computer too tuckered out to write good), but you get the idea. The usual host is in Mazatlan having their way with spring breakers and vodka.

Umm, oh, this shit is all slanderous and what have you, which means it's not technically "real" per se, or real at all.

* Local celebrity extraordinaire and television "star" Jeff Passolt seen at the Love Doctor in St. Paul buying several strands of anal beads. Looks like someone is having his own Mardi Gras celebration.

* Dave Ryan seen at the Applebee's in Woodbury drunk on riblets, Pink Squirrels, and his own "sex appeal" (his own words). trying to pick up the Woodbury High wrestling team. Ryan was heard to tell the boys, "You guys like Ja Rule? Yeah, he stole his name from me, cuz I rule. Get it, ja rule, you rule, I rule. Fuck yeah." Ryan stumbled out of Applebee's shortly after the team left to carb load and "totallly watch porn" (Ryan's words, again).

* Mike Binkley of KSTP Morning Show "fame" seen vomiting in the Franklin Avenue Taco Bell's parking lot for upwards of ten minutes before barreling back inside for another chalupa.



* Our favorite "gossip "columnist" [sic]" CJ has an unusual favorite cuisine: Christian newborns she cooks up once a month to line up with her feminine (?) cycle and the new moon. After draining the child of his blood, CJ seasons it with the Creole "Essence of Emeril" seasoning, then slowly roasts it over an open oil barrel fire with a motley crew of local hobos Sidecar Jimmy and Boxcar Jimmy, as well as fellow Strib columnist Nick Coleman, who puts off his human interest column for the sacrifice that leads to CJ's ritualistic rebirth, allowing her to keep that gossip coming.

* Norm Coleman seen at Mall of America Glamour Shots showing off his new oral surgery, spray-on tan, and botox injection. He was overheard yelling at the photographer "God damn it! Make me look young and get me that fucking Cinnabon right now. I've got a speech to make in two hours by the big dog bowl."

March 10, 2005

PRESS RELEASE

Since it’s a slow day over here at Slanderous Minneapolis, we figured that now would be a good time to let you in on some hott info:

PRESS RELEASE

Do you like local celebrity gossip? Do you like blogs? Are you sick of reading local magazine stories that only seem to cover where the best family restaurants are and where the best place to get a perm is (FYI- it’s Fantastic Sam’s in Coon Rapids)? Then check out the April issue of Mpls/St Paul Magazine, in which the popular blog Slanderous Minneapolis will be a featured article*, therefore becoming the envy of all of its middle-aged rival bloggers. Check it out on newsstands soon!

* in this case “featured article” may mean 2-3 paragraphs

We’ve been holding in our excitement for so long and are excited to finally share this excitement with you. How exciting! We gave the interview back in February, so it might be a bit dated. In a drunken haze, we recall talking about how cool Ricky Martin is and how far we think Al Sharpton will go politically. My, how so much changes in just a month! But, we will say we took one for the team on this one: we paid for our own beer. We think it was well worth it and hopefully you will too.

Love,

Slanderous Minneapolis

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

March 9, 2005

David Strom



Several people have e-mailed us about this piece in the Fergus Falls Journal. Yes, it is funny that somebody by the same name as local conservative David Strom cut out his tongue. We have chosen to ignore the story thus far because it is kind of gross. And not crotchless-underware/drug habit/greasy sex gross. Just plain gross. You see, we here at Slanderous Minneapolis strive to bring you the finest gossip, but we also like to steer that gossip in non-violent directions. If this newspaper story were about a guy named David Strom who was caught wearing a pair of Zubaz, or perhaps was caught in some heavy-petting with a man-boy, we'd be all over that shit. Until then, you will have to find your gore somewhere else.

Monday, March 07, 2005

March 8, 2005

Around Town

* You'd think that he'd look more awake in his picture: [Star Tribune]

* We've been holding our breath for all this time, but somebody finally wrote about us in the "Missed Connections" category. Our life is now justified: [Craigslist]



* Don't forget our pending SPOT THE TROMP contest!! Please don't disappoint us or we'll take your pictures out of our wallet. We mean it.

Spring break cannot come soon enough...

Sunday, March 06, 2005

March 7, 2005

Celebrity Sighting



Sent to us by a reader via slanderousminneapolis@gmail.com:

I work at the Star Tribune - I saw Neal Justin in the cafeteria the other day. He seems like a funny guy. He was eating with a little Asian guy, saying to the dude, "you bought an apple AND apple juice. I'm facinated by that!"

As always, if you have sightings, e-mail us and you'll get the cheap thrill of seeing your tips on our site. What could be better?