Thursday, March 03, 2005

March 4, 2005

SLANDER EDITION FRIDAY!!



We would like to thank our loyal reader C for generously donating the marjority of this Friday's barely legal journalism. And now, on with the slander!

* In his home shower, Aveda founder Horst Rechelbacher exclusively uses dandruff control Pert Plus, purchased in gallon-sized bottles from the new Costco in Eden Prairie.

* KS95's Moon & Staci head up Burnsville's biggest sex club, which hosts monthly "swinger" events.

* Carlson Wagonlit CEO Marilyn Carlson Nelson was recently overheard in a stall at the ladies restroom at Interlachen Country Club saying, "Corn? When did I eat corn?"

* Miss Coon Rapids Brittini Nelemans lost her left leg in a 2002 snowmobile accident and had it replaced with a prosthetic made entirely of Almond Roca.

* With no hockey this season, Minnesota Wild left wing Andrew Brunette is playing the role of Liza Minnelli in an unauthorized Far East tour of "The Boy From Oz."

* CJ was recently seen wearing teal leggings to a black tie event. She justified the outfit, since her tank top did indeed have black brik-brak.

March 3, 2005

Scripts & Scripture

Welcome to Thursday here at Slanderous Minneapolis. We are very proud of today's entry, since it actually has some substantial length. Yay, us. Now, down to business:



* For shame. We accidentally misspelled our site name into our browser (yes, blogspot contains an "s") and we were re-routed to this page. As a public service announcement, we would like to warn our readers about the dangers of incorrect spelling. In this case, you just might be converted to Christianity.

We think our favorite link title is "Jews Info."

* And now, our MAKE-UP A J-HART MOVIE CONTEST!!! We are printing our best responses:

From a reader:

The New Yorker says he's perfect to play GW Bush some day. Why not now? Set in Alabama, in the "lost year" of 1972, GW sits around drinking, coking up, mastering Pong. And then, something happens....like, that would be the plot. That's too much work. Fuck that.

We like this reader's attitude. It is slacker, yet sassy.

Also, we let our intern out of his cage and fed him a protein shake consisting of Bisquik and yellow #5. Let's see what magic he came up with:

Here's the plot: J-Hart has to go undercover as a pregnant female cop, who has given up sex for Lent, in order to bust the operations of a local pimp, played by Ice-T or Ice Cube (whoever's available) who owns a barbershop of hoes (and I ain't talking the gardenin' variety, if you know what I mean). Anyway, so he ends up falling in love with one of the hoes (Ice's fave, played by that Puerto Rican bitch J-Lo) who cuts his hair while he's undercover as the female pregnant cop. Now he must choose between revealing his undercover identity and joining the pimp world and staying with the ho or arresting the pimp, freeing the ho, but losing her love, (as she needs to be a ho to support her aspiring basketball star son played by fellow Minneapolitan T-Hud). Plus, can she trust him since she fell him in love with him while he was undercover? I mean, their whole relationship is based on a lie! Anyway, hilarity ensues, but hilarity with a tragic joy in it too, and the movie ends with the entire cast doing a rap song entitled "Barbershop Hoes Git Dowwwwn 2Nite." Oh and the movie is entitled "Barbershop Hoes at Pearl Harbor" cuz the movie also takes place in Hawaii in the days before WWII. Harrison Ford will appear as J-Hart's old- skool police partner/father figure, since we'll establish early on that J-Hart was an orphan. Anyway this movie will nab him all sorts of critical acclaim and make obscene amounts of money, cuz that's what J-Hart, Ice Blank, J- Lo (Eva Mendes might be cheaper), and Harry Ford bring to the mix.

Excellent! Now we know why we hired this kid! See, Harnett, you have other options besides that one dude's "unsolicited script." God, we love this town.

Send us your worst for tomorrow's SLANDER EDITION FRIDAY.

slanderousminneapolis@gmail.com

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

March 2, 2005

J-Hart

Sigh... We hait (sic) to take the bait, but we couldn't resist: [City Pages]

Can anybody else come up with any cool ideas for Harnett movies? Send them here: slanderousminneapolis@gmail.com

We'll publish the best tomorrow and if you fail to come up with ideas, you'll have to face a lot of our bullshit ideas. We warned you.

Monday, February 28, 2005

March 1, 2005

A New Month and a New Reason to Live

We received some very hottt tips from readers on Monday. Our lonely inbox suddenly blossomed with a cornucopia of excellence and now we can share this harvest with you, our dear, dear readers.



* A reader tipped us off to this article about our favorite new reporter: [Des Moines Register]

You know what this means: THE CONTEST IS BACK ON! A recap: spot Jeanette Trompeter, WCCO's newest anchor, tell us about it, and we'll give you a free prize. If you spot her doing something bitchy, the prize is better. Pictures of her are an extra bonus; it's as easy as that. This contest has no expiration date: first person to complete the assignment wins. Hop to it!



* Another reader tipped us off to some vintage Paul Douglas. Well done! Does anybody else think he resembles Norm McDonald?? Douglas could easily have been his stunt double in Dirty Work: [WNEP]

To our tipsters: WE LOVE YOU!! If you want to receive our affection as well, drop us a line: slanderousminneapolis@gmail.com

Sunday, February 27, 2005

February 28, 2005

Hot Dealz


It seems like its been ages since we've posted on a Monday. We feel like exploring new territory today, so we will offer two amazing opportunities we have stumbled upon around town:

* This seems like the classiest way to get a free trip to London. I'm sure it involves no sex: [Craigslist]

Rainbow Foods

* Yes, this one seems a bit outdated (the note says 12/30), but that doesn't make it any less funny. We found this at the Uptown Rainbow and were so delighted that we ran back to our car to grab our camera. You're welcome.