February 25, 2005
You know the drill; look up the word "slander" if you feel like you want to send a lawsuit our way.
* Polara frontman and bigwig of the local Susstones record label, Ed Ackerson, is really 65 years old.
* Jordana Greene is known around town as a seducer of pizza delivery men. An area delivery boy claims that she greeted his delivery in the nude.
* CJ's going-away present to her idol Randy Moss is rumored to be something extra-special: her Pulitzer Prize.
* In a rant fueled by frozen margaritas and methamphetamines, new KSTP news anchor Joe Schmit revealed his true colors to patrons at the Brooklyn Park TGI Friday's. Dropping his folksy, Fargo-esque delivery in favor of a thick Chechen accent, he challenged all comers to a steak-knife battle to the death with, "The God of the Five o'clock report." One diner reportedly, "nearly choked on my riblet when Schmit called my wife a whore and threatened to use my skull as an ashtray." Schmit also revealed a detailed plan for world domination, but it was partially drowned out by forgotten pop nuggets from the early 1990's. When called for comment, KSTP merely said, "We're happy to have Joe on the news team. Death to the imperialist pigs."
* Guess what? Jimmy Jam shaves his back!
Farewell for another barely legal week (God, we hope we come up in a Google search for "barely legal" now) here at Slanderous Minneapolis. As always, take care and send your hott tips here: email@example.com