Thursday, February 10, 2005

February 11, 2005

SLANDER EDITION FRIDAY!!!




Disclaimer: This is all fake, don't sue us, blah, blah, blah.

And now, on with the slander!

* Diana Pierce was recently seen leaving the office of James Hoffman, an area plastic surgeon. Is it just us, or do her eyes look a bit younger?

* Rumor has it that Dick Enrico is a giant douchebag. Minneapolis Girl Scout Emily Anderson reports that not only did Dick refuse to purchase cookies from her, but he threw a drink in her face before slamming the door.

* Anyone else wonder why CJ didn't write half of her columns this week? One word: diarrhea.

* Indie-rap favorite Slug was recently seen purchasing a Celine Dion cd at Sam Goody.

* Was anybody else aware that KSTP's Dave Dahl is a transvestite by night?

* Conservative blogger and TCF VP Scott W. Johnson is apparently a big fan of pornography. He was recently spotted hanging out at Sex World for four hours.

Thanks for reading! Please participate next week: slanderousminneapolis@gmail.com

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

February 10, 2005

Overlooked

Did any of you get as pumped as we were about the "Kare 11 Extra" from tonight's news (yes, we're posting this as the news is still going on)? It was called "Blogging: Fact or Fiction?" Upon seeing the ads hyping this segment, we went through several emotions. We will talk you through our rollercoaster:

1. Fuck yeah!! We're going to be on the news!

2. Fuck!! What if we're exposed? What if they find out who we are? Or somebody sues us because of it?

3. Fuck yeah!! We're going to be on the news!

4. When they show our site, we can send a mean letter to the producers for using images from our site without our permission!

Several whiskeys later, we were perched and ready to enjoy our 13th minute. Um, Kare 11... YOU FORGOT TO MENTION US!! You mentioned Tammy Tucker, a woman in Mom Jeans who has a blog about her feelings, but you didn't mention us! Are you prejudice against the fact that we are the ones making fun of you everyday or prejudiced against blogs aimed at a readership under the age of 40?!?? By the way: every single female on your evening newscast has 90's hair. Next time you're at Central Perk, could you pick us up a scone?

And readers: don't forget that tomorrow is SLANDER EDITION FRIDAY!!! Help us out: slanderousminneapolis@gmail.com

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

February 9, 2005

A Heartfelt Humpday


Denny Hecker
Originally uploaded by SlanderousMinneapolis.
Usually we wouldn't get this sentimental on you, but please just take us seriously for a mere moment. After all, life is about more than making things up and being sassy...


Approximately 26 years ago, we were found on the doorstep of an orphanage in a Radio Shack bag. I was luckily adopted by a loving family and raised in a good, Lutheran, Minnesotan home. I have no complaints about my childhood or upbringing, but I've always wondered about my real origins. This is hard to write; the keyboard is soaked with tears (and a hearty amount of vodka). Recently I contacted the orphanage to try to bring some peace to my soul and I found out who my father is: none other than Denny Hecker.

What an emotional and spiritual journey this has been! As soon as I found out the news, I wrote a letter to my dearest dad.

Dear Denny Hecker (eg. "Daddy"),

This may sound strange, but I have recently found out that I am your son. After years of not being able to explain the rush of emotion that came from seeing your ads glow from my television screen each evening, I finally can understand my feelings.

We have so much catching up to do! You would be proud of me; I run a successful website called SlanderousMinneapolis. I must have inherited your talent for promotion!

I would love to meet you and get to know you.

Love,

Your Son


Today, I received this response:

Dear [redacted]:

I was aware that I had several illegitimate children around town and it has slowly begun to catch up with me. Another one of my sons recently contacted me and we've been catching up and going fishing and to games and stuff. I've even outfitted him in a nice new Kia (for only $139 down and $139 a month!!!). As much as I would enjoy getting to know you, after reading your site, I have noticed that you are not only a blogger but also most likely a fairy. I have no purple cars on any of my lots right now, if you get my drift. Go find yourself another dad.

Denny "Da Bomb!!" Hecker


I don't know what to even say after this... I suppose I just wanted to post to vent some of my feelings.

Tomorrow we'll get back to the Slanderous Minneapolis you know and love. For now, I'm going to go cry, then probably go to the Saloon.

Monday, February 07, 2005

February 8, 2005

Media

* The Star Tribune continues to ignore our existence: [Star Tribune]



* Have a hankerin' to see Robyne Robinson in person? Check this out tomorrow night: [Bryant Lake Bowl]

* In our quest to continue hitting the lowest common denominator (e.g. making fun of an 11-yr-old girl), we offer this advice: the best way to break up with someone is through the blogging medium: [GurlzRule411] By the way, Jeff Passolt: it's over! Take us off your buddy list, k?

* Slanderous Minneapolis: the 4th most important authority on who does Belinda Jensen's hair: [Google] We're movin' on up!!

And that's our best effort for a news-less Tuesday. Did you have any weekend celebrity sightings? Any hot tips? Join our club of special correspondents! E-mail us; we mean it: slanderousminneapolis@gmail.com





Sunday, February 06, 2005

February 7, 2005

Misc Monday


Renegade
Originally uploaded by SlanderousMinneapolis.
Normally on a slow-news-day Monday, we would rip CJ to shreds. But alas, she has taken a day off from her Sunday column without any explanation from the Star Tribune. Our guess is that she is so shaken up about our request for a duel, but that's just our opinion...<

So, with a lack of CJ, we are turning to our beloved intern for a hot story:

Not really local, but check out craigslist, a shit southern rock band called Renegade is posting ads for groupies (two ads: girls who love southern rock, and bassplayer...). Apparently, this band touring with Lynyrd Skynyrd is so lame they can't even get laid without the help of the Internet. That being the case, I think it's time that Renegade gives up and just admits they suck, even at opening for bands who lost half of their original members in a plane crash (to quote Skynard from their "Behind the Music" interview: "It felt like being in a storm").

Perhaps they should start small and reconnect with their roots. I hear the Richfield VFW Memorial Day celebration is looking for an opening act for the Rockin' Hollwoods [Ed. note: if they don't die of a drug overdose first]. Renegade needs to leave the rock tour to the professionals; Toby Keith and the Nuge are going to tour together (unfortunately, I didn't make this one up). That tour will show Renegade how it's done. The Nuge and TK are gonna get way more red state action than Renegade will get. Why? Cuz TK will stick a boot up any blue staters ass. Hell, he'll even put a boot up a red state fan if they ask nicely enough.

Thank you for that report, Senor Interno. We will not ask why you were viewing the "casual encounters" section of Craigslist, but will instead commend you for your excellent reporting skills.