Friday, September 30, 2005

September 30, 2005

Slander Edition Friday



Last night, we had drinks with a local traffic reporter (like the old Judith Miller, we will not reveal our source). We blew our entire stipend for the month on getting this person trashed, just to get hot gossip for all of you. Where does this stipend come from, you ask? Why, Don Shelby of course. Notice we never write anything bad about him... That's not a coincidence (and Don, if you have a chance, we still need our mileage reimbursed from that pashmina shawl we bought yesterday- thanks!).

Anyway, after about five Summits, this traffic reporter began reporting on more than just the conditions of 35W. In fact, they let us in on a little secret: they are having a wild affair with Rick Kupchella. Our source revealed that they often made up fake traffic reports to ensure clearer roadways so that these lovers could rendevous, often under bridges in the vicinity of Highway 100 and 394.

Our source also revealed that Amelia Santaniello is a very bad driver and has run over five dogs in the month of September alone. For shame!

So, if you see this source around town, offer them some liquor and report back on whether or not you get any dirt.

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

September 28, 2005

Slander Patrol



Today's edition of Slander Patrol investigates the news team over at Kare 11.

KARE 11



We have found two separate Julie Nelson's in the MN Criminals database. One was arrested for Unemployment Benefits-Offenses and one for forgery. We're not saying that either of these are KARE's Julie Nelson for sure, but if we were you, we wouldn't be taking any checks from her.



Again, we're not guaranteeing that this is the Eric Perkins, but we found an Eric Perkins who was convicted of a 4th degree drug charge, which in the State of Minnesota, means the sale of cocaine. We knew that this guy seemed wayyyyy to hyper.

Friday, September 23, 2005

September 23, 2005

Slander Edition Friday

Slander, libel, etc. to follow:



* During Wednesday night's storm, Star Tribune gossip columnist CJ was seen prancing around outside in a Burberry raincoat, stealing small dogs from people's front lawns.

* The entire cast of Northwest Community Television's "Christ for the World Ministries" does not, in fact, believe in Christ. Rather, they choose to worship a more powerful god, known as "meth."

* Vikings' coach Mike Tice is such a douchebag that he actually sleeps with a piece of astro-turf underneath his pillow at night. His wife sleeps with a handgun under hers.

* KARE 11's Julie Nelson was seen at Red Stone groping Kirby Puckett in a bathroom stall. For shame!!

Thursday, September 22, 2005

September 22, 2005



Given that the majority of our readership is without power right now, we feel it would be wise not to post. We hope that everybody is okay.

Love,
Slanderous Minneapolis

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Septemeber 21, 2005

Hotdish Fiesta



In honor of Mexican Independence Day, which took place on September 16th, we have decided to give you a special spicy hotdish. Its not very authentic, but really, what is in Minnesota?

Mexican Hotdish

- 3 to 4 cups cooked diced chicken
- 16 ounces shredded or cubed Velveeta
- 2 cans cream of chicken soup
- 1 can diced tomatoes and green chilies, undrained
- 1 cup chopped onion
- 1 small can mild green chile peppers (exclude if you are from outside the Twin Cities as the spice may kill you and others)
- 1/4 teaspoon garlic powder
- 1/4 teaspoon salt- 1/4 teaspoon pepper
- 1 package Doritos or other trashy nacho snack chip

In a large bowl, combine chicken, cheese, soup, tomatoes, green chiles, onion, and seasonings; mix well. Crush chips and mix all but one cup into the mixture. Spoon into hotdish pan and top with remaining Doritos. Bake at 350 for 30 minutes or until your kitchen starts to smell like Chi-Chi's. Invite your pastor over and start doing tequila shots, because you're in for a heck of a fiesta.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

September 20, 2005

Slander Patrol



Today, we begin a brand new segment called Slander Patrol. A recent MN Speak piece announced that there is a new database of public records called mncriminals.com. Inspired, we have decided to run local news teams through the database to see who's a criminal. Today we present:

WCCO



Alas, the only "criminal" we could find from the entire news team was Bill Carlson, and we're not even positive about that one. There are three William Carlsons in the database that fit Bill’s perceived age-range. All have been pulled over for DWIs, two of which were arrested for refusing to submit to testing. One of these winners was even arrested for driving without a license and for domestic assault. We’re keeping an eye on you, Bill!

DeRusha, frankly we're surprised. No drug busts? No prostitution rings? Where's your street cred?

We expect to find more dirt with the Fox 9 team...

Friday, September 16, 2005

September 16, 2005

Slander Edition Friday



This is sort of a strange Slander Edition Friday. Normally we would make up random things about local news anchors, but today we thought it was important to address some recent correspondence we have received from fans. We received the following fan letter two days ago:

To: Slanderous Minneapolis
From: A Random Douchebag
Subject: Let's Clean Up the Language

I find your website somewhat amusing, but let's do without the profanity. It is totally unnecessary and is a sign of ignorance. You won't see any of that on Jason DeRusha's blog. I love the guy. How about a scoop on Esme (a.k.a. Little Miss No Personality) on WCCO--their black magic marker eyebrow queen?

This particular letter came from a fan who's e-mail address contained the name of one of those Internet pyramid scheme companies. Apparently, this person has enough time on their hands "working from home" and making "$3,000 a week" that they have assessed the occasional swearing on this site and deemed it as "ignorant."

It's funny how the world works, because we happened upon this e-mail in our inbox as well:


To: Slanderous Minneapolis
From: Esme Murphy
Subject: I Fucking Love Your Fucking Website!!!

Hey your website is the fucking bomb. I love it when you make fun of KSTP becuz there newsteem is retarded and r a bunch of assholes that can kiss my ass. i love derusha's blog but i like yours because you swear and are totally sasssy and bithcy and fucking great. STay tight homey.

Love,
Esme

So there you have it, random douchebag. The scoop on Esme Murphy is that she loves swearing and loves our blog. Case closed.

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

September 14, 2005

KSTP Lowdown

We are forgoing hotdish today for some hot gossip. One of our operatives, entranced with the Tornado Alley display in the KSTP booth at the State Fair, hung around the staff there so much that she was able to give us all the dirty laundry on the Channel 5 News Team.



"Kristin Stinar is a bitch who chews out employees right in front of 'fans' about how unacceptable the conditions of the autograph signing sessions are, as if she is a 'real' celebrity."



"Cyndy Brucato also has a bad case of the divas. At the Fair, she refused to come out of her trailer until right before the news started, and then went straight back there after it was done, refusing to mingle with 'fans.' Also, she needs to lay off the tanning, as she is starting to resemble turkey jerky."



"Patrick Hammer is a nice guy whose personality resembles that of a TGI Fridays waiter. He calls everybody 'buddy' and always seems to have a craving for mozzy sticks."



"Nobody knows what happened to weatherman Jim Guy, but Rusty Gatenby always talks about how much he misses him."



"Joe Schmit reads at about a 1st grade level. Everybody on staff is pissed that he moved up from sports to become a real anchor because the guy is so stupid."


Excellent! This is the shit we thrive on!

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

September 13, 2005

Addressing Some Issues

Before starting off another slanderous week, we thought we'd use today's post to address some current issues:



First off, we're normally not the type of blog that feeds off links, but this is too good. Please read what Keillor is putting our blogging brother (MN Speak) through and please show your support for him. Without the right to parody, we would surely die here at Slanderous Minneapolis. We're just glad that we didn't make the following tee shirts as we had orginally planned:

Champp's is for Trampps
Rebecca's Garden Grows Pot
Hard Times Cafe Sells Hard Drugs
Paul Douglas is Gay

Those cease-and-desists can get nasty. Fight it, Rex! We support you!



Also, we don't normally feel the need to respond to comments people leave on here, but this one is beyond ridiculous. We in no way hate Dave Dahl or wish him any harm so Mr. Dahl, you can stop leaving us comments threatening to cut us or kick our asses. We're lovers, not fighters. We seriously wish for nothing more than to cuddle up with Dave in front of the warm glow of a nightly weather forcast. Also, the fake tornado at the State Fair was cool! After seeing the devastating effects that storms can do in the recent aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, it was awesome to be able to experience a tornado while eating a Pronto Pup and being able to buy a KSTP water bottle afterwards. Brilliant, Mr. Dahl. Let's be friends again.

Friday, September 09, 2005

September 9, 2005

State Fair Recap

Here comes the much anticipated recap of our trip to the Great Minnesota Get Together last Saturday. What better than to do some photo blogging?



Naturally, we began the day with a bag of mini-donuts and a trip to the Fox 9 booth to do blow with Robyne Robinson. We were surprised that she was up that early, but Passolt informed us that every year at the Fair, Robyne tweaks out for days at a time and spends her excess energy scrubbing the booth with a toothbrush. Very impressive. Maybe she should run the Tilt-O-Whirl?



Next was a trip to the KSTP booth. Despite the fact that we knew somebody on the "inside," this was as close as we got to meeting Dave Dahl. But seriously, after 3 pitchers of 3.2 beer at 9AM, the cardboard cut-out was just as exciting.



After 2 more pitchers of Miller Lite, we went to Empire Commons to cry over the fact that perfectly good butter was being wasted on sculpting farm girls.



In Empire Commons, we stumbled upon this picture of our grandmother in her prime. We want royalties, State Fair! That picture is copyrighted!!



This is where butter comes from.



We witnessed a very unnecessary publicity stunt: Minnesota Twin Lew Ford making guacamole at the Tejas stand. Although we were annoyed by the crowds of people, we wanted that sweet, sweet guac and to pat Lew on the butt.



Exactly the type of people you'd expect at the Mark Kennedy booth. Honestly, we would have been disappointed if we didn't see a flame shirt from a gas station.



If CNN needs some file footage for their next story on obesity, we've got enough for a fucking documentary.



And finally, what would the Fair be without seed art?


And so ends another summer and another State Fair... We'll catch you next week with more slander, more hotdish, and more nonsense.

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

September 7, 2005

Celebrity Sighting



We had been planning on giving you our State Fair lowdown, but this is too important. A reader writes:

Sunday afternoon I went to Kowalskis (in Uptown) and saw Hartnett (yawn) with mother fucking Scarlett Johannson. I stood next to him and made sure he'd check me out (he did look over, but it may have been because of my extreme height, hopefully it was my short shorts). After getting rung up, I walked back to produce to make SURE it was her and it was. Not very stylish by the way, but very happy. sort of smiling to herself, REALLY enjoying the grocery store, and throwing some skips in her step, seriously.

Like a true loser, I walked ahead of them and got into my car, then followed them out in their Toyota Hybrid. Followed
them for a few turns then suddenly felt really guilty and left them be. She's short.

WOOH! Real celebrity gossip!!!

Friday, September 02, 2005

September 2, 2005

SLANDER EDITION FRIDAY: At the Fair



Welcome to a very special State Fair themed Slander Edition Friday. We will remind you that the Fair is down to its last few days; get your ass out there or you risk missing your late-summer trans-fat gorge and perhaps will miss meeting the carnie of your dreams. Which reminds us of a Totally Legitimate Interview we did... Anyway, let's get this libel started!

* According to KSTP booth workers, Joe Schmit is basically illiterate. This is something that is easily hidden in the studio with the use of an earpiece, but is not so easily hidden at the State Fair. After Schmit misread the word "Pronto Pup" off the teleprompter for the tenth time, a KSTP producer was reported to have head directly to the beer garden to drown her sorrows in 3.2 Grain Belt.

* Star Tribune gossip columnist CJ is reportedly on a diet, but was seen last night being escorted out of the Dairy Building, apparently for licking one of the butter sculptures. For shame!

* For an undercover investigation, WCCO's Jason DeRusha is posing as a carnie. The scoop is, he likes it so much that he's thinking of dressing like a carnie on-air for the rest of the year.

* Although it is rumored that Fancy Ray has left Mpls for bigger and better things, he was seen at the Fair last night rubbing cheese curds all over his body on Machinery Hill.

We will give a full Fair report next week. Until then, happy Labor Day!

Thursday, September 01, 2005

September 1, 2005

A Sack Full of Sorries



We here at Slanderous Minneapolis would like to wish Dave Dahl a safe and speedy recovery from his rumored motorcycle accident. We will accept part of the blame... It seems that after writing a story about riding hogs and canoodling with a certain rival weatherman, Dave wanted to impress us. Dave, we are so sorry for any problems we may have caused you. You see, almost everything on this site is complete bullshit. We didn't mean to imply that we liked weathermen, motorcycles, or dried beef (however, we honestly do love the Hexagon Bar).

Anyway, we are sorry that our bullshitting has caused a serious accident. If we see Dave at the Fair, we will make a peace offering of mini donuts and a make-out session in Ye Olde Mill.