Wednesday, January 26, 2005

January 26, 2005

Hatin’ on CJ

Originally uploaded by SlanderousMinneapolis.
Since today is a slow news day, we will do what we always resort to: rippin’ on CJ. Today we would like to offer some constructive criticism. Please go to her column from yesterday so that you can see our point illustrated.

An open letter to CJ:

Dear CJ,

You don’t know us, or at least are choosing to ignore our presence in favor of talking about your obsession with the Vikings. Whatever; we’re not offended. But seriously, we need to talk. Let’s get this straight, CJ: you’re a local gossip columnist, not Page Six (pot and kettle, we know). Your job is to report on happenings in town and the debauchery of local celebrities. Yesterday, your column was a hearsay account of the Donald Trump wedding. First off, this is bullshit. Hearsay all you want locally (like somebody spotting Mark Rosen running over a dog), but why the hell would anybody read a secondhand account of a big celebrity event via a washed-up Mrs. Minnesota when they could read a real report elsewhere? Why turn to you instead of MSN, etc.?

Bridging off of that, we would like to talk to you about your over-usage of bold typeface (this is a lesson to you too, Riemenschneider). We are not offended by bold typeface in general. Hell, we use it ourselves (OMG, did you see what Colleen Needles was wearing in the parking lot of Cub yesterday??). But, since you are a LOCAL columnist, it is our firm belief that bold typeface should only be used for our own people. An excerpt from your column yesterday:

“Minnesota's former Mrs. America Jennifer Kline tells me she had a prime perch from which to watch the celebrities attending the Donald Trump-Melania Knauss nuptials in Palm Beach, Fla., last weekend.”

If we were to report on this bullshit secondhand story (yes, pots and kettles again, we know), we would only bold Jennifer Kline’s name, since she is the only Minnesotan in that sentence. Let’s try an exercise, shall we? Practice along with us:

Last weekend, I spotted Diana Pierce listening to Blues Traveler on her Ipod by Lake of the Isles. I complimented her outfit and she said “Thanks! It’s a St John that I bought at Marshall Field’s! I think that Condi Rice has the same one!” She mentioned that she was going to meet Pat Miles for lunch to discuss Kevin Federline’s hot bod.

We would approve of bolding the following things:

Diana Pierce (she is local)
Pat Miles (she is local)
Blues Traveler (because it’s funny)

We know that you want to bold St John, Marshall Field’s, Lake of the Isles, Condi Rice, and Kevin Federline as well (hell, we’d be willing to bet our Walkman that you’d even bold the word Ipod), but learn to resist! People read you for local gossip; you should stick to what you’re good at.

All our love,


Post a Comment

<< Home